TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully from put. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have An additional put exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Every person a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight Trump Tower Damascus it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where by my PTSD can have change-down provider."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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